Hello loyal subjects. It is the third of January and I want to give you a few tips for what lies ahead in 2015.
I have decided to reintroduce the gao-tao or kowtow as they used to call it. This means that whenever you see me you need to kneel and rub your nose on the floor.
I hear that three wise men brought gifts round about this time of year. Well I suggest you all get wise and bring me biscuits. None of this gold, frankincense and myrrh rubbish. Kangaroo is my favourite flavour.
I know many of you are dedicated followers of fashion. This year’s “in” colour is Pomeranian orange. I shall be wearing it all year and as my subjects I expect you to do the same.
Many of you have made new year’s resolutions to get fit and lose weight. Stuff and nonsense. What you all need is more sleep. Get yourself a nice comfortable basket, a few toys and just hunker down to some serious zzzzzzs.
You may be aware that I shall be expanding my empire in a few weeks. Its time that old woman gave up the job. Her son, the jug-eared one who talks to plants, has been waiting for yonks. Its time they were both put out to pasture. I intend to simply put it to the vote. A plebiscite. And there are plenty of plebs in Britain I am told. Simple choice, Lulu or Brenda. In keeping with the HK Basic Law you will only actually be allowed to vote for me. And also in keeping with the HK basic law poor people won’t get a vote. Far too dangerous. Dogmocracy will be introduced gradually and only when I think you are ready.
You will be delighted to know that I intend to have my head on the postage stamps in keeping with tradition. And I shall have enormous posters hanging everywhere with some of my most important utterances on them. This will be accompanied by a Little Orange Book containing the Thoughts of Queen Lulu.
If you stick with me you will barely notice as the world goes to Hades in a handbasket. I shall ensure you are all fully protected from the mad megalomaniacs, King John Umm, Valery Putain, Sheesh John Byng and Barking O’bama. You can keep all your biscuits in Lulu’s Bank and although I won’t pay interest on them I promise I won’t punt them on synthetic first-to-default derivatives. I may eat a few but that’s what you get for a flight to quality. Biscuit leakage.
That’s it for now but in response to popular demand here are a few photographs taken by Cecil Beaton. Remember him? His missus wrote a cookery book. Hello Cecil…..