“We are a little constrained at present. You could meander your way through the system of course. It may take some time. Or you could, (an embarrassed cough) go (whispers) private.”
So there we have it. An NHS GP’s advice is to forget it and go elsewhere. If, that is, I would like my knee fixed before the universe ends. Ah the joys of being back in Brexitstan. This morning it came to me in a flash. I know the answer to the question vexing so many of us: what does “Brexit means Brexit” mean?
Well Brexit is essentially the same as Remain but with a slap of lippy on it. Years of poorly synchronized treacle wading will see us emerge with a victory trumpeted, a triumph to rival Agincourt, Waterloo, Trafalgar and El Alamein all rolled into one. Except that nothing will change.
On that bright and uplifting note I need to update you on the artwork saga. The solution was to buy two paintings. We dribbled carelessly over budget but ended up with a rather large pair of canvases, one 60”x36” and the other a tad smaller. If you glance at that quickly it fine. If you translate it into feet it is 5’x3’ and it is slightly more challenging. We have wall spaces that will take them but not where the light is optimal. We shall be housing works by Henderson Cisz and Maya Eventov. HC is Brazilian and ME is a Russian living in Canada. We seem to be building an emerging markets collection. And if the worst comes to the worst I can resell one to pay for my knee operation if the NHS does not come up trumps.
Today I received a call from Vodafone. A jolly nice girl, who is genuinely trying to help. She has taken it as a personal challenge to solve the mystery of the missing direct debits. Since March Vodafone has debited my account with varying but always alarmingly high amounts. I sent them my bank statement to prove it. Sadly Vodafone seems not to be receiving these payments, as my Vodafone statement shows nothing since March. No calls. No data used. No payments made. And they don’t seem to know why. They agree it is wrong and a ‘system error’. But after nearly six months they have not cracked the mystery. I have suggested closing everything down and going elsewhere. But “No!” they cry, “Don’t do that. We will fix it”. The tearful caller today pleaded for more time. She labours on my account daily and does not want to be beaten. I wrote to Vodafone’s UK CEO and he didn’t reply. So as you were all so full of good suggestions for solving the artwork challenge I am sure you will be brimming with ideas for sorting out Vodafone. I have a theory that the same people running the NHS are running Vodafone and some may even be negotiating Brexit behind the scenes. Progress is similarly glacial on each front. One solution might be for Vodafone to fix my knee, for the Brexit team to sort out my billing problems and for the NHS to surgically remove us from the gralloch of the EU. I think it may work.