If snails be the food of dogs, play on

Well the second painting has been cancelled. When we said 2 weeks ago we wanted it the reaction was ‘we’ll get it couriered to the gallery immediately so you can view it at home’. It was in the Bath gallery. Or was it Lichfield? Then it was still sitting with the framer. Eventually my frustration had the better of me and I said now or never. Never it seems is the answer. There was also a contretemps over the hanging. We wanted to hang it on the landing – tricky I admit. They had however promised an end-to-end service but now that is not available on Health and Safety grounds. I mean to say…….. Is there nothing that isn’t covered by the nanny state? Sorry guv, more than my jobs worth to hang a painting. Here’s how it goes:

We can’t fix anything to the wall. The boss told me.

Why not?

It might fall down and cause injury.

Not if you fix it properly.

It might hit an electric wire.

There are no wires in this wall.

It might puncture a water pipe.

There is no plumbing behind the plaster.

Well I can’t do it. Company policy. Health and Safety. I can give you a hook if that helps.

Maybe we will pick something up in Venice instead. This time next week we shall be airborne and looking forward to our water taxi ride up the Grand Canal.

Afore we go I am pottering in the garden, cutting this, pulling up that, checking my compost etc. Today was a red letter day for pottering. I have a very large mound of hazel chippings from the coppice. It looks curiously and ominously like a medieval burial mound. Right length, width and height. I’m reasonably sure it isn’t but you never know. Be that as it may and notwithstanding I decided to turn it over and give it a bit of air. All was going well until I realized I was about to skewer a rather shocked looking Slow-worm. I have never seen one in this garden before. They are jolly good slug eaters so of course I am delighted to welcome them to the Lodge wildlife park. We both paused. Damocles’ fork hung by a thread and the Slow-worm peered upwards, panic-stricken no doubt, wondering what its chances were. Then belying its name, its head went down and it did a passable impression of little Tommy Daley, diving prestissimo and without so much as a ripple into the depths of the wood chippings. Damocles raised his fork and gently brushed the mulch into a substantial pyramid. The Slow-worm, thereafter named Tutankhamun, has not been seen since and a there is now a curse on the pile of mulch. So I guess it is a burial mound of sorts.

Further preparation for the trip to Venice has been hampered by Lulu’s illness. Multiple trips to the vet and a lot of cleaning up have distracted us as we try to lift her spirits and return her to good health. She was caught chewing a rather large garden snail a few days back. I suspect the outcome was bad for both participants. Now there is a good case for Health and Safety to deal with. Better shells for snails. That’s what we need. In fact, checking my research sources, I think Corbyn J. is campaigning on exactly that platform. I’ll vote for that.


25 thoughts on “If snails be the food of dogs, play on

  1. I enjoy your blog when I realize I haven’t visited for a while. Are you off G+ all together? If so, where are you posting pix?

    Had a mini maze procedure to fix the Afib, now diagnosed with SVTs and trying to find the right meds. Booooring.

    Hope Lulu’s well by now!

    • G+ is dormant for me Art. Haven’t been there in ages. I needed to ration my time so no G+ and not much blogging. A bit of FB and mainly for special interest groups. I hope you get fixed up. My Afib is gone, touch wood. Other problems coming with age. Lulu is better thanks. I have half a blog post in prep. Maybe soon!

  2. Love your slow-worm mound. I hope Lulu recovered and that Venice is as beautiful as ever. We were not able to make it there after all, but hopefully we’ll get there next year. Leave us a painting or two.

  3. Congratulations on proud ownership of slow worm. Will send whoever is Lord Carnarvon round in several hundred years to see how its getting on. Enjoy Venice.

  4. Health and safety- we were so much better off without it. Shame about your painting. Maybe you could get one of your own photographs put onto canvas paper and find a local handyman to put it up. Enjoy Venice and good wishes to Lulu.

  5. Poor Lulu. I am so sorry that she is ill. Maybe it’s time for a new veterinarian if this has been going on for a week or so. Has she been to a specialist and had an ultra sound? This would rule out many things and/or show what might be wrong with her itty bitty body.

  6. Funny how common names are deceiving… A slow worm is not a worm at all, but a lizard! Odd looking things they are. 🐍

  7. Best wishes for little Lulu. I hope she learns escargot are not for princesses.
    I need to look up what a slow worm is…. wonder if they are on my island?
    Wow. No art hanging? How the heck does anything get done? I’m not a union fan, they had their time and it’s over. I think things mysteriously work out when wacky things like this happen. Maybe you’ll get lucky and find something in Venice.
    Good luck!

  8. Sorry to hear about Lulu. Try and give her a strip of dried Kangaroo. Why is it eating snails? Perhaps she was just proving to you as still being capable for doing a kill. Did you praise her, Andrew? Give her a small reward?
    Milo has taken again to getting lizards and when inevitably he pulls off the tail and there are now two creatures wriggling, he looks on in amazement. We try and discourage him, but as soon as our backs are turned he is at it again. He jumps up and slams down hard on the leaf-mulch with his front paws. The lizard escapes and that’s when Milo goes in a does this murderous act.
    I don’t know the answer, perhaps a good book or a nice painting to get his mind on something else.

  9. We have a hand-painted portrait of our daughter Molly when she was a toddler, a wonderful 3’x 5′ oil painting that won the painter an award. We had a wonderful place for it on the wall above the landing, and it received a similar long list of possible problems as excuses.
    Finally, the artist’s brother, who was a carpenter instead of an artist, unofficially came over with tools in hand, and told us to have coffee on the patio to avoid being accomplices.
    We heard some pounding and then voila! he invited us to come and see. It was perfect.
    And no, he doesn’t work for the government. 🙂

  10. Maybe you could nab yourself a nice Canaletto when you are in Venezia? I’ll come and help you hang it if you like. Lulu can nod when we’ve got it in the right position and hand us the nails 🙂

    And speaking of the Princess, this is not happy news about her being unwell. I do hope that she makes a speedy recovery very soon. It’s miserable seeing them out of sorts.

    • Bring your own scaffolding to hang the picture, Lottie!! I will go to the Guggenheim and the Accademia in Venezia. Lulu has been very out of sorts I’m afraid. Not sure how long it will take to sort her out.

      • Well, the illustrious (sarcastic font used there) Mayor of Venice was trying to flog some of their paintings awhile back, so you could be in luck.

        Poor Lulu (and poor you). I hope she’s soon back to good health.

  11. I remember when my father was in business
    There was this one company that we dealt with that would only drop our order at the door, they weren’t allow to bring it in some kind of union rules
    People are crazy
    And it’s only going to get worst
    Have a great trip Andrew
    Looking forward to some great photos
    As always Sheldon

    • Thanks Sheldon. Our local council demand a disclaimer if the refuse collectors have to step on to the property to pick up the garbage or recycling. Mad.

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